The first time I met Talib Kweli was when I auditioned for his show. I was a scared little shaky-voiced bunny, and he was in the audition studio surrounded by a blur of famous faces. I sang “Jill Scott’s “Do You Remember” in the tiniest little voice I ever had. When I made it to the bridge, as I sang Jill’s ad libs, Dave Chappelle started singing the backgrounds. Kweli jumped in. Then my voice bottomed out. GONE. Because, fam… how are one of my favorite rappers and my favorite comedian singing background at my audition? They were being nice, but it took my feet right from under me.
I squeaked “Thank you,” and hauled off running.
Years later, I made myself a boss and would share many, many stages, many songs, many laughs, much libations, and many stories with this guy. He’s the best in lots of ways.
What’s the worst job you’ve ever had?
Working at the cafeteria of the high school I went to.
Run that hair net photo, though. I know you got one! But, talk about a time when you were star struck.
When I met Bill Murray at the White House. I was so star struck, I forgot to ask him to please rescue that Wu-Tang album from Martin Shkreli.
What’s the first thing you do when you wake up?
If you could change one thing about your career, what would it be?
I would have gone the completely independent route way sooner than I did.
What are you the most proud of?
My two, beautiful, wonderful, talented children.
What’s the most expensive thing you’ve ever bought?
What’s the most expensive thing you’ve ever given someone?
A car. A nice car.
What kind of car and what did she do with it when y’all broke up? HA HA JUST KIDDING CRY LAUGH FACE EMOJI RUNNING AWAY BLACK GIRL EMOJI. Anyway, name a celebrity you think is lame and why.
Piers Morgan. Do I need to explain why? Who don’t think Piers Morgan is lame?
Yeah, I hope he falls of his bike and breaks his two front teeth. What human would you trade lives with, and why?
Bjork. I want to know what it feels like to have your own genre.
What thing do you love that you think would surprise people about you?
“The Family Feud” with Steve Harvey. No wait. Old “Judge Mathis” episodes.
Judge Mathis is a boss for his seasonal insult themes. The last time I saw it, he was calling everybody crackheads. The year before that, it was pimps. Another year he had a bunch of women from Detroit who stabbed people. He celebrated that, weirdly. But, I digress. Name a thing you haven’t done yet and still want to do.
A song with Bjork.
Who’s going to play you in the biopic?
Don Cheadle. He plays the best Black men.
That’s because he IS the best Black man. Okay, say something nice about your mom/dad so they can smile when they read this. You don’t call home enough, by the way.
My mom and dad are too smart for this, they see through your pandering, Mela.
I’m definitely pandering. Please tell mom I’m sorry again about all the cussing on the bus that time. Btw, would you go to Trump’s White House and shake his hand? If so, what the hell is your problem.
And this is why Steve Harvey has me upset, ‘cause I no longer want to watch “Family Feud.” Which I love doing.
Wouldn’t it be dope if we could pay Steve Harvey all the money he makes everywhere to shut up and just do Feud? I think we could crowd fund this. Do you love avocado, or are you a savage animal with broken taste buds?
TBH I didn’t learn to love avocado until living in Cali where you get it fresh. Old, slimy avocado is a turn off. And that shit turns. Quick.
Okay, this is fair. What do you deeply desire everyone to know about you?
That I love “Parks and Recreation” and can discuss it at length.
[Mela’s note: Also, don’t get this guy started on The Big Lebowski.]
Give Machinko some good advice.
Do more songs with me.
Why haven’t you introduced Machinko to The Rock, Idris Elba or 2 Chainz yet? Why don’t you want her to be happy?
I can make two of three of those happen with relative ease. You ‘bout it or nah? Also, I like that you like all different types of Black man lol.
Please don’t play with my emotions this way. Anyway, name a perfect song, and defend that song.
“Follow The Leader” by Eric B & Rakim. Don’t @ me.
Did you know that the Willie Lynch letter is not real, the Michael Jordan who played basketball and makes sneakers is not the same one who owns the prisons, Black women are actually supposed to menstruate too, and the horizon is proof of a round Earth? If not, please tell us how this information makes you feel.
I knew all of that. Do I get woke cookies?
Woke cookies sound gluten free. Here’s a bonus question though: how seriously amazing is Mela Machinko as a general human. Isn’t she completely killing this shit? Like seriously. C’mon.